The big question.

Some of you have come right out and asked me why I have chosen to walk the Camino a second time, especially since it was barely over 4 months ago when I finished the first one.  Trust me, I’ve been reaching inside to find the answer and after a few months of pondering it, I think that maybe pieces of a sensible response are starting to congeal.

Shortly after I decided to sign up for the trip I was able to speak with Lou, the Guide that took care of us for the entire first Camino.  As an aside, It is unusual for one person to lead the entire 5 week trip because it is exhausting but Lou had not guided all year and since the October Camino is the last trip of the season, she had decided to take on the entire trip.  

As a result, Lou was there in the beginning when I hit the trail like an egg hitting a very hot cast iron skillet.  That imaginary  egg wasn’t much different than my not so imaginary knees as we almost got irreparably stuck.  But Lou was also there to see me shed a lot of stress and was witness to the reemergence of my physicality that had begun to shrink away within my increasingly dormant lifestyle.  I believe it was Lou who said that “I had become the person that I had probably used to be”.  

So when I was talking with Lou I asked her why she thought I was doing another 500 mile walk so soon.  Did other people do this?  I know I’m not the first person to walk the Camino more than once but was it common for people to do it back to back like this?  Her answer speaks to the spiritual side of the Camino de Santiago and it rang absolutely true to me.  She said “The Camino is not finished with you yet”.   

Here’s where I have to duck the obvious question; “What does that mean”.  Again, until you have experienced the Camino or, for that matter, something that challenges you both mentally, physically, and in this case Spiritually, all at the same time, I find it difficult if not impossible to put it into words.  It’s like trying to explain what it sounds and feels like when you are standing in the center of the Champs de Lysses with hundreds of  cars circling, horns honking, exhausts blaring, whirlwinds of dust all coming together into a cacophony of sensation.  Try to put that into 25 words or less and make it feel real.

But I’ve learned something over the years.  You know how you hear about the guy (and I assume women have these as well) having a “Mid-life crisis”?  Well, I discovered decades ago that you actually have several “Mid-Life Crisis’s”.  For me, and based on my observation of friends, the first one happens in your mid to late 20’s.   This is when you first realize that you are completely on our own.  Nobody cares if you don’t get out of bed, nobody cares if you are a success or a failure, at least nobody cares enough to monitor you day by day, minute by minute, second by second.  As my departed Father would have said “It’s time to shit or get off the pot”.  You are on your own and it can be quite disconcerting.  It was for me anyway and I wasn’t having any problems; but it still shook me to my core.  I was a Man and society expected me to behave like one.  What had happened to my childhood? 

My second “Crisis” happened around 39 when it struck me that I was living out my final year of my 30’s.  Turning 40 was a non-event but the year leading up to it was fraught with emotion and a sense of great loss.  After all, 40 really is, statistically speaking “Mid-Life” for a lot of people.  Where had the time gone.

Since then there have probably been a few more mini-crisis moments but life’s momentum just seemed to carry me past them without much of a bump in the road – until now.  I’m 58 which means that I am within arms reach of finishing up my 50’s.  Add to that I am engaged to someone that I’ve spent the last 7 years with, we have set the date, and 4 days after we get married I will turn 59 years old.  I’m ecstatic and completely terrified all at the same time.  What does this next stage of my life have in store for me?  For us?  How is it possible to be so happy and so worried all at the same time.  

So, the short answer to the question: “Why”, is I’m pretty sure I’m having a full blown Mid-Life Crisis.  Actually, I want to change that answer.  I am faced with yet another Mid-Life Crisis but this time I want to kick its ass, not vice versa.  

Anybody can walk the Camino once.  You don’t really know what you’re up against, you get up every day and trudge through it and finally you walk into the square in Santiago, stare up at the Cathedral,  and you’re done.  Most people get their Pilgrim’s Certificate and head home with absolutely no intention of ever coming back.

The first time I did the Camino I purposely had no idea what I was getting into.  I hadn’t trained enough, hadn’t studied the history, the geography, and really didn’t have any idea how much it might suck to walk 500 miles in just over a month.  At one point, during a phone conversation with Tim, he asked me if I would ever do the Camino again.  I was far enough into the trip where the answer seemed self evident. I said “Walking the Camino once is an indescribable physical, emotional and spiritual adventure that I will never forget.  Doing it a second time would be self flagellation”.  And here we are a few months later getting ready to self-flagellate.  Is that a word?

I’m actually excited about this trip.  In October, each day was shorter than the preceding day.  As the trip progressed we had to get up earlier and earlier and I saw a lot of sunrises.    Now, in the Spring, each day will be longer than the preceding day.  Hopefully that will mean less early morning departures and a diminished sense of urgency lest we run out of daylight.  

I’m also excited to see the plants and trees and flowers coming out of their winter dormancy.  The Fall along the Camino was a spectacular exhibition of fiery yellow and orange mixed in with the unrelenting blooms of wildflowers and sunflowers creating an almost endless array of color.  I shot dozens of photographs of just tiny little flowers.  Now those same trees will be blooming, I suspect there will be magnitudes more flowers, and the smell of Spring always has more life than the Fall.  Yes, it also has more hay fever but let’s hope that’s not a problem.  

In most respects I am also healthier than I was when I started the walk last October.  There have been a couple little glitches of late but I believe in my body and it seems like all systems are a go.  I also know that the repeated days of solitude and beauty mixed in with intermittent social interactions and possibly even the formation of new friendships, is something that you can’t take in a pill or mix into your food.  This type of exercise and activity is truly the elixir of life.  I also get a kick out of practicing my Spanish.  

In a few days I’m going to put on my (new) hiking boots, throw my day pack over my shoulders, and head up a trail that I walked only a few months ago.  Some people might think that this would be or could be boring.  I don’t.  I think it will be a new day and there was so much stimuli coming in the first time that I couldn’t possibly have taken it all in.  This trip will allow me to open up and really allow myself to feel everything I probably missed the first time.  I plan on talking to more people, taking more breaks during the day, enjoying a coffee, chatting up my fellow Pilgrims, and if I’m the last one to make it to our daily destinations so be it.  Since this IS probably my last run at the Camino I want it to be as rich as it possibly can be and that my friends is entirely up to me.

As for this Blog, I plan on posting very few if any videos.  YouTube kept track of how many times my videos were being watched and the Stat Counter kept track of how many people visited my page.  During my first Camino It was painfully obvious that only a small percentage of people visiting my site were actually watching the clips.  Personally I think that’s too bad because some of them were fun, but I also understand; that’s just not what my “fans” wanted out of the Blog.  This time I hope to shoot far fewer pictures, post some of the best ones, or at least the most meaningful ones (which can often be just a snapshot of a group of people drinking beer), and if I am not dog-tired and cross-eyed, I hope to write.  I also hope I don’t end up eating these words but that’s the plan.  

Last time I shot hours of video and over 600 photographs.  It remains to be seen but I am curious what I find interesting this second time around.  Hopefully more pictures of people but if I do see a magnificent sunset or sunrise or panorama the photographer in me will probably still reach for the camera.  I did make the investment in yet another brand new, super high tech digital master piece.  I’m anxious to share on my Blog, what this mastery of technology can create. 

For those of you that have made it this far into today’s post, I also strongly encourage you to comment.  Yes, you have to create a login and you have to either remember your password or keep changing it,  but the process is simple enough that even some of my most computer illiterate friends have managed to figure it out.  Your words of encouragement or questions or, for that matter, just letting me know that you’re out there, are like hugs.  Even though Marji is on this trip, I know I’m going to get homesick.  I’m really going to miss my (almost) husband, our homes, our beds, our lives together, my life.  When I login and find comments it really feels like you’ve stepped out of the screen and given me a quick embrace.  Personally I don’t think we hug enough anyway so you can start here, on my Blog.  Let’s make hugging a “Thing” again.

45 minutes out of New York.  A reasonable layover and then one more flight to Barcelona.  I join up with Marji (My brother’s ex-wife but I call her my Sister).  This time I have someone to really watch over me and I can do the same for her.  My Niece and Nephew would never forgive me if I let something happen to their Mother.  Hmmm, what if she meets a hot Spanish man?  

Joe Jeter

March 12, 2015